Or at least this is what the guy I’m dating calls it.
However, it is more commonly known as pole dancing class.
My best friend did a one off class a month or two ago and enjoyed it so much she immediately signed up for the full 10 week absolute beginner course.
I SAID ABSOLUTE BEGINNER, NOT EXPERT!
As soon as she told me about it, I (of course) signed up too.
Based on all the things I’ve written about in the past, you didn’t really think I would pass that up, did you?
And so my training began.
Wait, hang on. Give me a second to prepare myself
OK. Let’s continue.
I’m about 6 weeks in now and getting intensely sick of hearing ‘California Gurls’ by Katy Perry.
(at the end of the 10 week course, there’ll be a ‘Beach Party’ themed showcase of all the course routines; hence ‘California Gurls’ being our song)
So let me give you the down low on what I’ve learnt so far about pole dancing.
A Pole Dancing 101 (if you will)
I’ll describe everything layman style (mostly because I don’t know any better) so you can all understand the process.
Lesson 1: It fucking hurts.
As in, you bruise. A lot.
(PS – they’re called pole kisses, which sounds nicer but still hurts the same)
Lesson 2: It’s not as sexy as you expect.
You’d think that watching yourself do body roles repeatedly against a phallic object would be super sassypants but that, my friends, is where you are WRONG.
It should look like this:
But it feels more like this:
I genuinely can’t watch myself practicing moves in class because I’m too embarrassed. I feel ridiculous.
Apparently it’s just not done to laugh at your reflection constantly (according to my teacher after I demonstrated said laughter) so I just don’t look in the studio mirror anymore. It’s easier that way…
Lesson 3: Don’t tell people you’re doing pole dancing or they will judge you.
Lesson 4: If you’re doing it right, it’s a real workout.
Since you’re lifting only your own body weight, it’s great for your core (that’s what she said).
Lesson 5: Sliding down the pole wrong will cause you to burn the skin off your feet. Don’t do it wrong.
PS – Not my foot (thank shit)
Lesson 6: Don’t do this course if you are a straight male. I guarantee you will not be able to hide how much you’re enjoying yourself (if you know what I mean) watching mostly undressed women dance around poles.
Lesson 7: Make sure you’ve got some self confidence. I don’t. Dressing in a skimpy top and short shorts and doing sexualised moves against a metal penis type thingy is not really my area of expertise, I’ve since realised. Austin Powers would do a much better job.
You get on with your sexy self, Austin Powers!
Now, I was gonna do 10 lessons but I can’t think of anything else so I’m just gonna pretend as if I always intended to finish at 7…
… so, uh, I guess we’re done here.