I am listening to “Nessun Dorma” from Turandot and feeling my flair for the dramatic rising to the surface as I hear the gentle tap-tapping of the keyboard while I write. The aria has become particularly epic and climactic and even without understanding a single goddamn word about what is happening, it makes me feel like crying.
Speaking of crying (did you like my segue there?), my mother read some of my blog earlier. This makes her the first and possibly only person to read this blog at all. While reading about me, she began to cry. I laughed when I saw her reaction (I am such a wonderfully empathetic person) and asked her why on earth she was emitting an emotion associated with sadness. She replied that my blog was incredibly depressing and she was upset to read about how terribly depressed I am. I said “Woman, I am not depressed; I am simply realistic”.
This is true.
My life is no fairy tale. How many people can honestly say that their’s is? This is not to say that I am always depressed. I count myself lucky to have the ability to find pleasure in the small things. Like when it rains and I have a 20 minute walk and no umbrella. I enjoy these moments. I smile as I feel the rain touch my hair and drip down my face and pool underneath my soggy shoes. I meet the eyes of others who look dreadfully angry and upset as they stride towards their destinations and I think, this is funny!
I like to think of myself as a positive person. I am certainly no pessimist. I am a realist. I have seen the world and I worked in retail. This means that I have seen the best (and the worst) of people. I have also worked in advertising and let me tell you, that industry is no better. In fact, I’m sure that it’s the same wherever you go.
People are never just good or bad. We have inside us the ability to embody a rainbow of emotions. Priests are not without fault and even the sweetest of men might have a tendency to get violent when drunk. On the other hand, that bitch you knew in high school was actually a lovely girl once you got to know her and that man who bumped into you on the street turned straight around and apologised with a smile.
I dream of the best case scenario just like everybody else. Everybody does. I am just more inclined to know that positive thinking doesn’t make any difference to the outcome and expecting the worst means you will never be disappointed. This is a good thing. It means that I am much like Harry from When Harry Met Sally. I have a dark side. I do sometimes skip to the last page, not because I’m afraid I’m going to die but because the book is boring and I can’t be bothered to put the effort in to reach the end. I am a rebel and a lazy one at that.
Human nature is just so fascinating to me. Serial killers are frequently active and positive members of their community and rapists are often friends or relations of their victims. Bullies are mostly jealous or have very low self esteem. Ren becomes best friends with Willard in Footloose after they rudely insult each other during their first meeting. Yes, I realise that is fiction and not comparable to rapists and murderers but shut up. Beautiful people are not always ugly on the inside and ugly people are not always beautiful on the inside. People are never what they seem.