Why my life would be so much better as a musical…

I have loved musicals since the first time my grandparents took me to see West Side Story at the West End as an 11 year old. I loved how in their moments of greatest resentment and anger, they could magically come together and dance choreographed lifts, twirls and kicks all with a song about political and racial agendas.

Buying on credit is so nice, one look at us and they charge twice…

…life is all right in America, if you’re all white in America.

Everything just seems so much cooler when it’s sung. Someone can say everything they feel and at the end of the number it cuts neatly to another shot so we don’t have to see the awkward moments as they acknowledge the truths they just sang about. Nobody has demonstrated this fact so well as the scene in Not Another Teen Movie where the characters sing about prom and then the cameras keep rolling when they stop so we can watch them struggle to hold their finishing positions and suck in deep breaths.

I think my life would be amazing as a musical. It would be ironic and tongue-in-cheek and much more viewable than anything I could hope to achieve without the accompaniment of music and dancing. There’s an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer where the characters are put under a spell which turns their lives into a musical. They sing about getting mustard out of shirts, one character’s illogical fear of rabbits and parking tickets…

I’ve been having a bad, bad day

Come on won’t you put that pad away?

I’m asking you, please, no!

It isn’t right, it isn’t fair!

There was no parking anywhere

I think that hydrant wasn’t there

Why can’t you let it go?

I think I’ve paid more than my share.

I’m just a poor girl, don’t you care?

Hey, I’m not wearing underwear…

I would read Wuthering Heights and burst into a Kate Bush themed number complete with odd dancing moves.

Going for a walk would become an epic Oscar award winning Sound of Music moment. Avenue Q would give me the opportunity to honestly sing about why I am qualified to do nothing:

What do you do with a B.A. in English,

What is my life going to be?

Four years of college and plenty of knowledge,

Have earned me this useless degree.

I can’t pay the bills yet,

‘Cause I have no skills yet,

The world is a big scary place.

But somehow I can’t shake,

The feeling I might make,

A difference,

To the human race.

The difficulties of the unknown future become the lovely ballad “Just Around The Riverbend” from Pocahontas. While making my dinner I would be serenading my food with “Les Poissons” from The Little Mermaid. It would be fantastic. Nothing would be boring anymore. Talking about things like AIDS wouldn’t be depressing or difficult; they would be really funny and ironic just like in Team America. Those days where time drags and work just won’t end will become an episode of Glee, complete with backup dancers and token supporting cast to make me look better. I’m blonde too, so I could go down the Marilyn Monroe path and get my glitter on! There are just so many possibilities.

I wouldn’t even have to worry about dating anymore. Those stupid awkward moments where you don’t know what to say will no longer be a part of my life. All the in between bits and bobs; the inane conversations about who has siblings and who still lives with their parents will be no more. All of my issues and difficulties would be brushed over and everything would happen so much quicker in order to get through to the happy ever after within the 120 minute time limit. Then after that, I could fade to black and have an overture of all the best songs follow me into the future.

That’s what my life would be in a perfect world.

I’m definitely cracking out my Buffy The Vampire Slayer season 6 DVD boxset out tonight.

Finally, I know it’s a movie rather than a musical thing but it would be really awesome to have a slow motion walking moment. That’d be cinematic. And maybe walking away from an explosion. That’d be cool too.

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