I dislike almost everything about dating.
I never seem to be asked out for a drink by guys; it’s always dinner. I would much rather get drunk and talk about completely inappropriate things with a stranger than to have to find excuses for having no appetite or enthusiasm.
I am never able to eat on a date. I was asked out recently by a guy for lunch and when I actually met him I had to say that I had already eaten lunch. It was a lunch date. I had to sit there for an hour and watch him eat. Needless to say, we did not repeat the activity and I never saw him again. On another date, I had attempted to curtail lunch in order to force myself to be starving enough to eat dinner that evening. I ate half a slice of pizza.
I should write a book. I’ll call it ‘The Date Diet’. You don’t need to do anything different. Just go out with a guy every so often and you’ll keep the weight off easily. No lemon juices needed.
I am not one of those women who is comfortable with small talk. It’s like cleaning your ear out with a Q-tip; necessary but unpleasant. Yes, I have siblings. No, I’m not a dog person. No, I don’t want children and no, I don’t like ‘Sex and the City’. Carrie is just much too irritating to be interesting and it’s impossible that she manages to have that much sex with attractive men. There aren’t even that many attractive men in the world and if there were, they would not all be attracted to Sarah Jessica Parker. Sorry. I hate to be rude but let’s be honest here.
I don’t like sitting alone either so whenever he goes to the bar or the bathroom I always end up writing nonsense on the message app of my phone so I don’t look like a total knob.
I’m also one of those women who doesn’t really do relationships.
It’s not even that I’m choosing the wrong guys to go out with. I date lovely, sweet guys who treat me well.
I just don’t do intimacy with men. I’m not good at opening up or being comfortable in a relationship. I love all the drama of the early stages of dating. The “will he call?” moments and the phone being glued to my side at all hours. It’s just the stuff that comes after that. Once I’ve established that yes, he likes me and yes, we are officially dating, it becomes very old very quickly. It’s like the physical attributes that attracted me at first, now repulse me.
People like to say that when I stop looking, I will meet Mr Right. I say to them, screw that. I signed up to OKCupid the other week. I then deleted it the next day because I was asked to sign a marriage contract with some random guy.
That shit was not gonna happen. I could have just ignored it or even messaged back saying:
But no, I deleted a perfectly good profile in its entirety. You can tell I do rather like to overreact. Just like the time I signed up to Eharmony and then deleted it straight away when I was requested by a man to skip all the ‘steps’ and have a conversation with him. A conversation. He wasn’t exactly indicating that he intended to abduct me, chop me up into little bitesized pieces and eat me in his dinner. One guy on OKCupid asked me what my name was (you have a user name and you don’t need to include your name in it) and I lied. It’s not like he wanted my address and credit card number (neither of which I am going to give, thankyouverymuch).
I have seen countless (2) psychologists about this. One said I was totally normal and to go away. The other told me to go speed dating. Seriously. This isn’t one of those funny jokes that people sometimes tell to make other people laugh. I intend to one day follow up on this advice and to get absolutely wasted and to pretend to be Irish or Scottish or maybe French or American. Something with a really strong and potentially terrible accent (depending on my ability of course). Either way it sounds like it will be great fun and will result in not a single number being exchanged. Perfect.
I still don’t know why I have these issues. I have cobbled together some past events in my life that could have resulted in me being unable to commit and be intimate. All that hoopla. It just comes down to me being a little bit odd. I used to care. Now I’m just like: