Why ‘The Bachelor’ is so funny

First off, I should state that I am not particularly gullible and I wouldn’t consider myself to be part of the reason that the advertising industry is a multi Billion dollar industry. I am not an idiot. At least not all of the time. I even worked in the Media/Advertising industry for a while. So I am perfectly aware that advertising is not real. I know that one face cream is no different than another and that there aren’t really 7 signs of aging. I know that those pills that supposedly reduce stress don’t really do anything AT ALL. I have seen Mad Men and absolutely love The Gruen Transfer and I am completely familiar with the things that go on behind the scenes with those perfect looking burgers you see on the TV screen (Spoiler alert: they’re propped up with toothpicks).

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People will pretty much say anything that will get you to buy their product. It’s not even really legal most of the time. And yet somehow, it works. Go figure. No I don’t buy every product that has a good advert. I don’t even consider it most of the time. But I can watch an advert and know that a shit load of people are going to go and buy whatever it’s promoting without a second thought. I applaud them; the creators, not the fools who think that they can buy happiness.

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Well, not only are adverts selling something: so is reality TV. They’re selling lifestyles. So when you watch The Bachelor, you’re being told that your life isn’t complete unless you spend 1 hour a day living vicariously through a man and several women 10 times more attractive and well dressed than you. Not only that, but they get roses almost every day and not the shitty ones you get at 7/11s; the expensive florist kind! Talk about living the dream! They go on dates to other countries and ride horses on beaches and…oh dear, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Unfortunately for Australian citizens, we’re too normal. Unlike American reality shows where all the contestants are batshit crazy, our competing ladies are (for the most part) deadly average and quite polite to each other. There’s the usual amount of jealousy and backstabbing bitchery but that’s part and parcel with a house full of women. Not enough insanity for truly entertaining television.

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Look at that sexy bachelor…I can practically hear all your ovaries screaming…

Have you ever noticed that there is always one woman that we hate, who makes it almost to the end every single time? Yet just when we doubt our handsome bachelor’s sanity, he chooses the right woman; the woman we’ve known all along will make him happier than anyone else IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

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Well guess what suckers, it’s all bullshit!

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You have been the victim of clever editing. I bet you never even knew it. It’s just like when you’re watching a terrible episode of The X Factor and you want to change the channel because you’re about ready to hack out your own eyeballs and pierce your eardrums so you don’t have to keep experiencing life anymore. You pick up your remote and BOOM, they tell you what’s going to happen after the commercial break and somebody is crying and another person is shouting and you think, oh no, I can’t change the channel, this is gonna be SO GOOD!

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By the time you actually get to the 5 second clip of someone crying, it’s time for the next ad break and it starts all over again.

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AND YOU KEEP WATCHING! EVERY TIME! Even though you know, deep inside, that you won’t see anything amazing after the ads are over.

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Because barring that 5 second clip of someone crying or people clapping after someone tells a story about overcoming adversity or some shit, it’s always REALLY GODDAMN BORING!

Boring

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Fortunately for me, I don’t watch shows like that because I would rather roll around in feces then submit myself to that kind of willing torture. However, I do adore The Bachelor. Not because I actually believe that there is a hope in hell that some fidiots will find love, but because I truly enjoy watching all the contrived awkwardness. It is pure genius.

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They go on group dates where they have to essentially fight it out to get some alone time with the prick who has all our ladies’ hearts. Because of course these women don’t think it’s at all dickish to hook up with a whole bunch of women living in the same house, and potentially sleep with a handful (or all if he was particularly horny and the girls were particularly sluttish). That’s not arsehole behaviour at all! If I was one of the hopefuls, I’d just be praying I wasn’t going to catch herpes of the mouth inadvertently. That would be awkward.

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But I just LOVE LOVE LOVE all the excess emotion. It feeds my insides like butter on toast. So much crying, and jealousy, and love at first sight (real or fake, we can only guess).

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Ah, can’t get enough. And once it’s all over and he proposes to his girl, they’ll wait an appropriate amount of time before calling it off. Jee whiz, reality tv isn’t the best foundation for a long and healthy marriage? My word, I would never have guessed.

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But you know what reality TV is good for? MAKING MONEY. And fame. They’ll be rolling in it once the show’s over. Or at least he will. She’ll probably be at home, crying. Like it’ll be a surprise when it doesn’t work out.

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Alright gangstas, I’m done with this. Sherlock is on and really, posting on this blog doesn’t compare to watching shit go down.

tumblr_msgmobrRjg1r4ep8so7_250AWWWW YEAH!

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