Why It Sucks Being a Grown Up…

I’m a quarter of a century old now. That’s 25 for those of you who needed that clarified (don’t worry, I’m not judging your obvious stupidity). This means that I am well and truly past childhood, my teenage years and all the good stuff.

Did I just hear you say 30 is the new 20? Or 40 is the new 30? 30 IS NOT THE NEW 20. Do you know why? BECAUSE 30 ISN’T THE NEW ANYTHING! IT’S STILL 30. I may not be a mathematical genius (ask my brother, the mechatronic engineer), but I’m pretty goddamn certain that the number 30 has not changed value or meaning. And if we were to live 10 years longer, I can guarantee that we’ll be wearing grown up people incontinence nappies and nobody except adult baby fetishists would enjoy that for more than 30 seconds.

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Nope. Nobody wants to see that shit. Literally.

So what is it that I have to look forward to? Working full time until I’m 89? Mortgages? Popping little nuggets of joy out of my lady parts? NO THANK YOU.

Besides, when you’re a grown up with no children, you can’t trick or treat. Which just plain sucks. From previous posts, you’re all aware that I LOVE Halloween and anything that means I get to dress up and act like an imbecile. Or any opportunity to get free food. Especially when that food brings such joy to my taste buds.

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I’m studying a Masters at the moment which means I’m working part time in a shop (I’ve already spoken at length about how much I “adore” this) and relying on the generosity of the government and random stranger taxpayers so that I can get by and not have to move back in with my parents. It’s hard enough living on a full time retail paycheck, let alone a part time retail paycheck and the dole. Bills suck and I’m sick of eating pasta with canned tomatoes most nights.

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Plus people are a lot less forgiving of the fact that you are single. When you’re in your early twenties, everyone seems to believe that your single status is just because you haven’t met “Mr Right” rather than the fact (you keep to yourself) that you never leave your apartment because you are too busy watching The Princess Bride and reading books about the siege of Leningrad in WW2. But when you hit 25, it’s suddenly time for you to hit match.com or tinder if you’re just plain lazy. Or horny. Heaven forbid you want to keep watching The Princess Bride and reading books about English Grammar. Suddenly your mother is impatient for a grandchild and your loins had better get into gear. I still don’t hear any clocks and if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t be looking to pass on my DNA. I’d be more likely to do this:

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All my friends are buying houses and getting married. Well goody for them. I’ll just be here. Contemplating how long I must continue to tell people I work in retail and see that look of embarrassment and awkward sympathy in their faces. Imagine their pity when I say I’m still single and have no plans to get married in the next year or so.

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That’s cool guys. I can still afford rent, groceries and whatever is left goes towards books and DVDs. I don’t have to buy nappies for that thing that poops every five seconds or invest my life savings in some wedding that’s over in 3 hours. I get to spend my money on what I want, not what is best for my other half and our mini me. I only wish I didn’t have to see pictures of smugness and new house keys every five seconds. The worst is the Facebook profile pictures of fetuses and ultrasound images. AIN’T NOBODY WANT TO SEE THAT BUT YOU! This is not how I look when I see that shit:

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This is how I look:

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yelch

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So let that be your subtle hint guys because right now my Facebook feed is very empty since I learnt how to block that shit. No more food porn or engagement ring pics for me, thanks!

A while ago I saw a therapist about a whole range of stuff going down in my life (“Magnum P.I couldn’t solve the shit going on in my head”) and they said that I needed to let go of expectations. So basically, screw everybody who thinks I should have my life sorted by now.

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I will go at my own pace.

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So now when people give me funny looks when they realise what I’m doing with my life, I can look at them like this:

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And just go ahead and do this:

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fart

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So this is my life lesson for you all today. Who the hell cares what other people are doing with their lives? Just care what you’re doing with your own. No expectations. No unrealistic hopes and dreams.

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Just do what makes you happy each day and the rest will sort itself out. On that note, I’m gonna go read a book, because that is what makes me happy. So goodbye for now, people out there in the world, wherever you may be.

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