THIS COUNTRY REALLY NEEDS TO GET ITS SHIT TOGETHER AND TAKE HALLOWEEN SERIOUSLY! The complete lack of effort that anybody makes at Halloween is just so maddening to me.

I mean come on, Halloween is THE BEST HOLIDAY EVER. Clearly. Screw Christmas.

Stupid Santa Claus.



KITTEN!!!! I’m sorry, I got a little distracted. Look at it roll the pumpkin. It’s so tiny and furry. I just want to squeeze it until its eyes pop out. Sorry, what was I saying? Ah yes, Halloween…


HOW IS THAT NOT THE MOST AWESOME DECORATION EVER! You can get so much more inventive at Halloween. With Christmas it’s all reds, greens and whites and beards and shitty fake snow. But with Halloween, there’s no definitive colour scheme. It’s just put some fake blood here, some rotten corpses there and a dash of cobweb-age in the corners. Plus you can dress up however you want. You can be a wannabe sex pot and dress as a slutty version of anything you can think of.



Or you could not do that…which would be better (not for guys, I’m sure).

Either way, the parties are more fun when you’re in costume. So much more to look at. Plus, drinking is so much more entertaining when you’re in fancy dress. Some outfits are funny sober, but all outfits are genius when you’re off your face.


I always was (slightly) fond of Christmas back in England where I was raised. Not here though. It’s not even cold at Christmas time in this forsaken country. It’s hot. Really hot. Which means that you end up eating a seafood BBQ rather than a roast on xmas day, which just plain sucks. Royally.


But Halloween…now that’s much more entertaining. No spending hundreds of dollars on greetings cards and pretending like you want to spend an evening singing ‘Silent Night, Holy Night’ in German with your family, for tradition’s sake, while you despair as the younger generation have all their greed fed with the latest gadgets and violent video games. HORRAY!

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I would much rather scare the shit out of myself. To rock myself backwards and forwards as I stay awake for 3 nights in a row with all the lights on and Ella Enchanted playing on my DVD player on repeat to distract me from my terror. That sounds like a lot more fun. Except for the Ella Enchanted part.


I have a real love/hate relationship with fear. I am, as I have said several times before, a shit storm of craziness and anxiety so it’s good to shake myself up every once in a while with a good old fashioned HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT fest of raging horror. Gives me another kind of fear to deal with, as opposed to my usual issues…


Except spiders. That shit is never going to be entertaining. Oh dear sweet Jesus look at them crawl. ON SOMEBODY’S HAND!!! WHO THE HELL PUTS A BIG SPIDER CRAWLING WITH LOADS OF LITTLE SPIDERS ON THEIR FRIGGING HAND?????????

Ugh, moving on.

Fear. Yes, fear. I love horror movies and I hate them all at the same time. I know they’re not real and yet I spend the whole film silently dry heaving and pretending that there’s something fascinating on the palm of my hand which explains why that hand is blocking the entire TV or cinema screen.



I am perfectly aware that everybody is acting…as though their body parts are being ripped slowly out of their bodies or that they are being dragged off screen by an invisible (fake) ghost. DOESN’T MATTER. It still scares the shit out of me. The gory ones are just kind of gross. It’s the ghost ones that really get me. Those are the ones that give me nightmares. Serial killers, well I can avoid them if I don’t do dumb shit like in the movies. Ghosts, well there’s no way to prove whether they do or don’t exist so there’s not much I can do about them at all. Except wear adult nappies just in case I come across one. It’s better to be prepared.


Halloween is even better for those girls who use horror movies as an excuse to sidle up to some boys and make suffragettes and feminists roll in their graves. Heaven forbid you hold your own, girly. Just hang on to his arm and make him feel dominant, that’s right. Well done. You’re not exactly making it any easier for women to gain equal rights. How could we, when we can’t even watch a horror movie without cuddling up to some man who is probably silently pooping his pants. That super manly man’ll protect me!

Sorry, got a little carried away there.

So, Halloween. It’s awesome.



See, these ones are nice! Not like most of the gifs I’m finding online. They’re all pretty disturbed…I think I might have just thrown up in my mouth a little from some that I have seen so far…





I think I’ll avoid putting the really shocking images up. Fear not people. I don’t want to mess anyone up too badly. Just creep you out.





You know when I was a kid, I used to tell my 5 year old neighbour that IT lived in the drain at the end of our road. I would pretend I was possessed at random points while near him and then I’d walk to the end of the street and fall down on the street and just lie there. I probably screwed that kid up so completely by this stunt but hey, he’s a man right? He needs to be hardened. Yeah, let’s go with that reasoning. If women have to cling to someone’s arm when they’re scared, it seems only fair that we traumatize boys so that they are manly enough to keep their shit together while terrified.

Right, I think I’ve said enough.




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