You know what sucks? Being drunk.
I can just imagine all your minds being blown by this statement. Yes, I’m being perfectly serious.
So here is a super, duper list of my Top 10 reasons for not getting drunk on a night out.
1. You’re less likely to make bad choices (bad choices being my euphemism for getting an STI or STD)
2. You get to enjoy (and remember) all the drunken antics of your friends and fellow party-goers. You even get to remind them of their actions for the duration of your friendship (as long as you understand that in doing so, your friendship will be likely to end fairly quickly).
3. No hangovers (and therefore, no ridiculous hangover cures). Spoiler alert: NONE OF THEM WORK
4. No coyote ugly situations. Sorry, there had to be at least 1 film reference somewhere in here. Coyote Ugly refers to the moment where you wake up after a drunken one-night-stand and the person beside you is so ugly that you’d rather chew off your own arm than wake them.
5. No sloppy YouTube videos of your drunk self will show up on YouTube the next day.
6. You can remember how much of a shit time you had at that dive bar last night.
7. Your liver won’t fail at 30 years of age.
8. Less throwing up. Really, this should be reason 1 because nobody in their right mind wants to spend any part of their lives in direct contact with a toilet bowl. That goes double for public bathroom toilets.
9. You save a shit load of money. This is good for me since I’m so poor. It’s like doing all your Christmas shopping for free except you’re using the money you would have spent on alcohol all year if you were out getting drunk every week. This applies more to people who need a lot of alcohol to get drunk but for me, this means saving however much 1 drink costs. Yup. I’m like a balloon that a lightweight is holding by a string; that’s how quick and easy it is for me to get drunk. Not the best analogy I’ve ever come up with but it gets the message across.
10. You look less ugly. I don’t know about guys but I’m sure that all women are with me on this one. If you’re thinking about how you look when you’re drunk, then you’re a crap drunk and I don’t think I’d ever want to hang out with you. But aside from that, keeping a sober eye on what’s doing on the physical attractiveness front is difficult when you’re 3 sheets to the wind. Try watching Jenna Marbles’ drunk makeup tutorial and you’ll understand.
You may believe that you are the hottest chick in the club but if you’re off your face, then sure as shit YOU ARE WRONG! You will have panda eyes and eyeliner smudged over at least 33% of your face. Guaranteed.
If you are sober, you can make sure that nobody in the club sees behind your 5 inch think makeup mask and gets to know the real you. That way he can be surprised with your face as a present when you’ve been dating for 5 months.
Plus he’ll be way out of your league because you won’t have been wearing your beer goggles when you meet him. Lucky you, you have just won at life. Here’s your award. Now you can die happy.
So there you go, readers. Take this advice and learn. Perhaps tonight when you’re out with friends you can try drinking lemonade and lying to everyone by saying it has vodka in it. That way you can pretend to be drunk and have none of the annoying side-effects. And if you do something stupid, then you can say you were drunk. And I know that this works because I do it all the time myself.
I hope my little nugget of wisdom allows you to have many a boring, sober evening out with your alcoholic friends.