Ooopsie, Forgot How Blogs Work…Sorry

Yet again, I haven’t posted in a looooooong time. Sorry about that, people.

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tumblr_n1eymx0eCS1rqfhi2o1_250I should really just stop apologising and saying I’ll do better. Let’s be honest. I probably won’t. It seems every post I’m making spends entirely too much time apologising and not enough time actually talking about interesting shit you all want to read about.

tumblr_mydx6zvda11s012f2o1_500 I had much less of a life before and it’s so hard to find the time to write anymore. I’ll try to keep you updated though, because I know you love my sarcastic interpretation of life events.

tumblr_m1ofx6ihQt1rqfhi2o1_500Don’t pretend you don’t

STOP LYING TO YOURSELF

tumblr_n7pla1smcZ1t6sf0yo1_500So guess what I did?

tumblr_mvpacheBKs1t08vgjo1_500Ok, you’ll never guess. I got Tinder.

Yup.

tumblr_ndrivpI4MW1r6h9h1o1_500I then deleted Tinder when I read about a woman who met a date in a public place and was promptly gang raped. It was something that could have happened to anybody but somehow, I just knew in my soul that it was Tinder’s fault that she was in that situation. Yeah I know that’s stupid. I panicked.

Ballon-popBut before I deleted it, I managed to make a date, or two.

tumblr_lx5fwjATo61qmijb2o1_500Despite the fact that I did in fact use the app for its intended (not ‘intended’ *wink wink*) purpose, I still feel like I am THE MASTER OF THE DATING UNIVERSE.

nailed-itDating still sucks but I feel like I am improving, even if I still need to take anti-anxiety drugs before going on one. Only the first date though, I’m not an addict. I can actually survive in social situations without the aid of medication.

maybe-maybe-notI did thoroughly enjoy the male selfies though. They were just terrible. If any man thinks that the below picture will get him laid, well then, gender stereotypes about stupid men are not always wrong.

enhanced-buzz-7469-1378756933-8Come on guys, I know you can do better. At least pretend like you’re interested in more than what’s between our legs. Then we can continue to lie to ourselves about what we’re worth.

Fc9elLuI am, however, disappointed that I didn’t receive any messages like the following:

tumblr_nesq6syLN51qjd54mo1_500What a shame.

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I didn’t get my moment of glory to take on the roll of disgusted female fighting back against the misogynistic dick who had the audacity to use a terrible pick-up line on her. Nope. The only people who talked to me were normal, mostly polite men. Sadly disappointing. And I wanted so much to have a funny story for you guys.

You let me down, Tinder guys.

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Work on that.

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Apart from that, I’ve been pretty busy. You know, living my life and shit.

Cause that’s just how I roll.

tumblr_mmq4o8ngYq1rgpyeqo1_400Despite being doped up on several different kinds of antibiotics (second case of Tonsilitis in a week…yay) I’m heading over to a bar soon to play ‘Cards against Humanity’ and catch up on the latest gossip.

Has anyone ever played ‘Cards Against Humanity’ before?

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If you have then you know exactly how awesome this game is.

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Its tagline is ‘a party game for horrible people’.

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Terrible people unite! We finally have a chance to be as inappropriate as we have always dreamed!

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It encourages players to be suuuuuuuuper politically incorrect in all the wrong (but it feels so right) ways.

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PS – everybody loves a good homoerotic volleyball montage

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It’s about the only thing Top Gun is good for

Anyway, better get going, unicorns. Gotta love ya and leave ya.

tumblr_mlac68usrZ1qgcra2o1_500Don’t know why I chose that gif but I think my subconscious is telling me I’m really fucking hungry right now…

Also, sorry. This post just isn’t that funny (in my humble but probably right opinion). Let’s just say it’s because I’m out of practice, what with all that living I’ve been doing lately. Or I’m losing my once great humor. Or that.

tumblr_lyhxm45B371ro07b4o4_r1_500OHMYGOD Benedict Cumberbatch, how dare you propose to someone who isn’t me? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I guess I’ll just find a sad place to spend my life now. In defeat.

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In the mean time, farewell for now, sexy friends!

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‘Oh Captain! my Captain!’

And just as I was about to work on a super hilarious, rollicking post, Robin Williams up and dies. 

tumblr_na6mc3AaJB1qc2fi0o2_500 tumblr_na6mc3AaJB1qc2fi0o3_500Comedy is substantially less funny today.

slkbm troy1 dr-evil-crying1 LH-cryI guess even the best of us can’t get past our own demons.

tumblr_mso40iz3LS1qbbn49o1_500So now let’s take a minute or two to dim the lights and remember all the things that Robin Williams has taught us:

That eating a shit tonne of spinach will make you seriously kickass…

giphyThat aliens look just like us only with dumber clothes and nifty magic tricks…

tumblr_na691lRT3N1t0lr7ko1_250 tumblr_na691lRT3N1t0lr7ko6_250That even war can be humorous sometimes…

tumblr_n2k4d8xPIy1rr1u43o1_400 tumblr_mfs4q60axU1qabfx1o1_500 tumblr_mfs4q60axU1qabfx1o2_500That being a teacher is possibly the greatest and worst job in the world…

tumblr_n2mc9cdl6W1rdqbfro1_500 tumblr_na6174pFe01t7cmnso1_500That food fights are the best time one can have…

…and you’re never too old to be a kid again

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tumblr_m83s564nmd1qzxgw0o2_500That rainforests are awesome and should be protected from giant evil oil monsters…

tumblr_mq3lvxJ9ur1rp2q0ko2_250 tumblr_m9pep2Xptu1qhjoogo1_500 tumblr_m9pep2Xptu1qhjoogo3_r1_500 tumblr_m9pep2Xptu1qhjoogo2_r1_500That honesty is always the best policy…

tumblr_mv1qqpNH861sda57wo1_500That toys are for grownups too…

giphyThat if you dress up like a woman, everyone will forgive all your mistakes…

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tumblr_na614p2drH1r0f8vho1_500That you should never play a board game you found abandoned somewhere…

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That people with Progeria look totally normal and healthy but just get old really quickly…

…and can potentially get laid at a seriously disturbing age…

image17That we should all start experimenting with chemical compounds until someone actually invents a crazy green living thing…

tumblr_na60xwKB0n1qj4315o2_500 tumblr_m23an0EK8z1qlpkzjo1_500That every cleaner you come across is secretly a genius…

tumblr_na661ssR0e1te0x11o1_500That wearing a red nose is basically as important in curing disease as the actual curing of the disease…

tumblr_na677sVRIO1qgf2lwo1_500tumblr_na6396HEAT1stuc6ko1_250That if you have enough plastic surgery, you can turn from a robot into a human…

tumblr_n1isij9jN21qaxxvao3_250 tumblr_n1isij9jN21qaxxvao6_250 tumblr_n1isij9jN21qaxxvao1_250 tumblr_n1isij9jN21qaxxvao4_250That you should never ever get your photos developed ever again…

tumblr_mg3flwUJ0p1s0g01yo1_500 tumblr_mg3flwUJ0p1s0g01yo2_500 tumblr_mm6y3eMyJl1qahy1wo1_500That museums are so much cooler than you ever thought before…

tumblr_m7665vp2Ci1r4ld4ro1_250 tumblr_m7665vp2Ci1r4ld4ro2_250And these are just scratching the surface. There’s so much that we will never learn from him now, and that is such a shame. So for all the things you’ve shown us, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Thank you, Oh Captain! My Captain!

tumblr_na63s90l7O1r745vdo1_500 tumblr_na63s90l7O1r745vdo2_500Goodbye Robin.

tumblr_na6jvw4Vk41qirsuqo1_250 tumblr_na6jvw4Vk41qirsuqo5_r1_250 tumblr_na6jvw4Vk41qirsuqo8_r1_250Wherever you are now, I hope you’re having a damn good time!

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Anxiety Disorder 101

I know it has been a while and I sincerely apologise for that, my loyal unicorns. I also apologise because this post isn’t going to be as funny as my usual (excuses for) writing.

sorryI am going to try to talk to you guys about my anxiety so that you can gain a greater understanding of what it means to have an anxiety disorder. For those of you also suffering, please know you’re not alone. 

If anything happens to me that I have never experienced before (emotionally and physically) then my mind can’t cope and I feel like I am the only inhabitant of the world’s shittiest holiday island.

island-house(like this only imagine the house is filled with the Ebola virus for the duration of your stay)

Feeling alone is one of my triggers. When I am heading towards a panic attack, I have to search for others that have experienced my symptoms so that I can feel normal again. I once had my finger smashed up by a bowling ball and all I started running around asking if anything like that had happened to others. Because if it has happened to someone else and they’re standing in front of me, healthy and happy, then I might be able to pull myself out of the black hole that I’m speeding towards. If I cannot normalize something, the dark recesses of my mind close in and block out my sanity. Abnormality is not my friend.

tumblr_mfpzt7fFFY1s1b1gmo1_500There are a number of anxiety disorders, but I personally suffer from generalised anxiety disorder, health anxiety and several specialised phobias that pop up from time to time. The one that I struggle with the most frequently, however, is health anxiety.

Now, before I continue, I want you all to understand that even writing about this now is making my heart race and my mind go in very dark directions, so forgive me if I’m not quite as eloquent as usual.

tumblr_mh3xbookoz1qb49gwo1_500One of the reasons I haven’t written lately is because I’m just getting over a cold that refused to stop mutating and bitchslapping me until my mind broke and I went bad.

Going bad is my neat little phrase. Like it? It’s my way of acknowledging that my anxiety disorders have gotten the best of me for a while. Usually it lasts a few weeks and wipes me emotionally and physically. It starts simple enough, I begin to notice aches/pains that had never bothered me before. Those issues become so pronounced that it becomes my sole focus. For days, even weeks. Every inch of my body becomes targeted by my own 24/7 surveillance until I can’t concentrate on anything else. I stop sleeping and eating properly and my physical symptoms worsen and escalate until I achieve a level 1 state of emergency, independence day plateau.

giphyImagine if your mind one day decided that you were terrified, so it tensed certain muscles in your body and then kept them tense. For days. Except then imagine that it is a symptom of Ebola to have an ache in this particular area and BOOM, you realise you’re going to die. This is how I’m feeling right now. Without the Ebola.

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My darkest day was yesterday so based on previous ‘bad’ times, it’ll be around 2 weeks to 2 months before I’m normal again. Day by day it gets easier to normalise what my body is doing and my mind opens the prison doors that my brain has been living behind. But by this point, my brain is exhausted and weak and so it takes a while for me to be good again.

prison-break-streaming1(I don’t really have a quip for this picture because I never watched the show so *fill in blank*)

Everyone experiences anxiety attacks differently. For me, it is an overwhelming clarity that I am going to die. Some people are a little more demonstrative that I am when experiencing an anxiety attack.

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wiig(except imagine more actual terror and less Kristen Wiig)

My experience is a quieter one and it takes place inside my head. I do have physical symptoms like everyone else; sweating, uncontrollable shivering and heart palpitations/flutters but the real battle is happening where no one can see it.

giphy(except imagine less choreography and more Ebola victims)

Yesterday, I had a full blown panic attack at work that lasted hours and no one knew about it. I managed to keep my certain and impending doom from public awareness so that everyone didn’t think I was being ridiculous.

tumblr_mfi32tlFZ51rccyxzo1_500I always tell myself that I’m being silly; that I’m fine. It never works. Once I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole, there’s no escaping the experience. I have to wait it out and allow my anxiety to take control until it has run its course. I’ve tried drugs, counselors, psychologists, doctors, meditation and self help books. The difficulty comes with mastering these techniques when I’m ‘good’. You must be a pro at breathing exercises if you want to stop an impending panic attack. Yet whenever I try to practice mediation when I’m better, it makes me remember how it feels to be worse and I go bad again. Vicious cycle.

giphy(except imagine less awesomeness and more depression and terror)

For weeks and sometimes months I feel broken; as if the light at the end of the tunnel will never come.

tumblr_n9iylcv4HI1rll4d4o1_400Now here is some advice for you, loyal followers and curious strangers:

Never say to someone with an anxiety disorder that they need to calm down or stop worrying.

Seriously.

That is like telling a Chinese person to just stop being Asian. Perhaps if they were more Hispanic or Caucasian, they would be fine.

Anxiety is not – I repeat NOT – something that you can just switch off like a light. It is a disorder that one must fight against every single day of one’s life. It makes me so frustrated to have to validate and legitimise my anxiety. People say to me all the time that I should be less stressed; that I need to take a few deep breaths and it’ll go away. How about telling someone with depression to be happy. I think you might find that this kind of statement will not be well received.

tumblr_n4wq6jaXss1tw1vhco1_500 tumblr_mt0k7dJFgN1s8qfmlo1_250 tumblr_m8q1agFY3d1rdn5ypo1_500 tumblr_ml94klariF1qe71lmo1_500 tumblr_m07w2jzxya1rogkyio1_250Yup.

I am not a hysterical female, pining for attention and needing people to pity her.

 anigif_enhanced-buzz-12989-1375798037-24 tumblr_mgvv1oOHm71rlvxbzo1_r1_250I am a human being suffering from something that there is no cure for. I’m not saying I have Motor Neuron Disease or Cancer, but anxiety is a legitimate disorder. It’s not the vapors or my time of the month. It’s a fucking hulk, beating the shit out of me whenever I try and live my life.

tumblr_m9dnyrdkL81rzjlc4o1_500 tumblr_mfby4wBhiP1ro9kz4o1_500I just wish I was normal. Or that psychologists weren’t so fucking expensive. But then again:

tumblr_mu9ygyhjhm1qfvddmo1_500 tumblr_n6x0e1Ish81syoi7no2_250 tumblr_n6x0e1Ish81syoi7no3_400 tumblr_n6x0e1Ish81syoi7no4_400So there you have it. Of course, I’m only scratching the surface on this one. I get as deep as the Mariana trench when it comes to anxiety, but I’ll keep it brief or else you’ll all stop reading my blog. I promise next time I’ll talk funny for your reading pleasure. Please feel free to comment if you have any questions or you just want to not be weird on your own.

PS – sorry for all the Ebola references. I was trying to be topical.

Opening Night

This is it. The moment of reckoning has finally arrived.

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Shit.

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Our dress rehearsal last night was a total travesty and I have the feeling that tonight will go similarly. Thankfully my humiliation will be noticed only by strangers this weekend because I know no attendees at the shows in the coming days.

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In other news, I applied for my dream job and got a rejection email on Wednesday morning…

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Also I have been officially diagnosed with something I’ve been aware I had for several years now. So my wrist is all strapped up and I’m on anti inflammatory drugs to quell the RSI that is making dancing a tad difficult.

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I remember when I used to be a happy, enthusiastic person. Those were the good old days. Now I’m just a bitter, angry shell of a human.

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I can’t WAIT until the show is over and I can get back to not being angry and/or tired every minute of every day.

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It has been awfully dramatic this past week, however. We had one cast member escorted off the property by security twice in two days. Let’s call him Michael. He was kicked out of the show for refusing to wear his costume…it was a black t-shirt. Michael thought it looked boring. He believed it would look better if he covered his wrists, knees, head and nose with duct tape instead.

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That’s not a joke. Michael claimed that he saw something similar in the film version but if that were the case, I would have enjoyed watching that movie a lot more. It supposedly made him look rugged and fresh from a flight with a Jet.

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He seriously did that. Even his knees.

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Yup.

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Michael also believed that Jets and Sharks were deadly enemies off stage as well as on, which made for a few awkward conversations/arguments in the communal dressing room.

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And we have another cast member (nicknamed Rolf Harris) who inappropriately touches the girls in the show. Thankfully he hates my guts which means I don’t have to be sexually harassed anytime soon…

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I overheard him bitching about me backstage…while I was 1 meter away changing my shoes, so I had to politely inform him that I would leave the room forthwith in order for him to have privacy for his discussion. It would have been rude not to allow him the opportunity to say things about me behind my back. Everyone else in the cast talks about him behind his back. Fair is fair.

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Obama is proud of me? Wow, thanks Obama. Let’s high five.

Awesome.

OK I’d better try and have a nap so I can be fully awake for my pending humiliation. I might need a few shots this afternoon as well.

Wish me luck. And let’s hope I don’t actually break a leg. Or maybe that would be a blessing in disguise…

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What Does Free Time Feel Like?

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I can’t even remember what happens when you don’t have something to do…BECAUSE I NEVER HAVE NOTHING TO DO! Double negative, bitches! Owned that like a boss.

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I would apologise for not writing in what feels like either minutes or months, however, I have no energy left in me to do that. I’m so emotionally fragile right now that I’ve done you guys a favour by not writing anything anyway. Even facial expressions are a distant memory to me at this point in time.

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Oh my goodness, I’m becoming Kristen Stewart.

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For those of you who have been desperately awaiting an update on West Side Story, here’s your moment of ecstasy. I have no life. Or too much of a life, depending on your take on the situation. (If you are a virginal being viewing this blog for the first time, welcome, nice to meet you, oh and West Side Story is the amateur production which has been in rehearsal for the past few months, and I will be performing in for the next two weeks).

This show is robbing me of my sanity and my desire to get out of bed in the mornings. I had a 13 hour rehearsal last Sunday and another rehearsal on both Monday and Tuesday nights. This is my first evening off in MORE THAN 3 WEEKS!

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Don’t really get to take a break tonight, however, because I have to hem and iron my costumes, paint my chorus shoes and get everything ready for our full dress rehearsal tomorrow night. Plus do my laundry and my grocery shopping because I haven’t done either of those things in weeks and I’m hungry and fast running out of clean underwear.

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The show opens in 3 days and I have the premonition that it might just be the biggest pile of shite to ever grace a stage.

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Like the ‘before’ in a bad infomercial

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Optimistic one, aren’t I?

Also, just FYI guys, you are SO lucky that you have penis type thingies. It takes me 2 hours to do my show hair and makeup. That’s 2 hours for every show. Wanna consider how much time I will be spending slapping that shit on my face for the next two weeks? TOO MUCH TIME.

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Remind me when the show is over, to tell you guys about a musical I saw the other week, a little ditty named Spring Awakening. If that name sounds familiar, you’ll know that the show is a doozy of a story so as soon as I can, I will give you an amusing (I hope) rendition of that evening.

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I’ll make the rest of this post brief, since my eyes are closing themselves like naughty bastards and I think the living room table is looking awfully comfortable and appropriate for an impromptu nap.

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Goodnight my faithful followers, I can’t wait until I will have more than 5 minutes to write the latest chapter in my life story for you all. I hope you are equally enthusiastic to read it…

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Otherwise it’ll get pretty awkward around here…

You Guys (And Kittens) Are The Best!

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I have more than 100 followers! I’ve been waiting for this day my entire life…or at least from the day I realised that people were reading my blog at all…

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I feel so loved!

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I just can’t believe that there are actually people out there in the void that read celerydoor and enjoy it enough to follow me.

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My anxiety disorder means I oftentimes feel like the reactions I have to things are not normal, which in turn makes me feel alienated, alone and terrified. I am desperate in those moments to know that what I feel or what I’m experiencing is normal. In this way, I like to hope that you guys are following me because you relate to what I have to say rather than thinking I’m fucking cray-cray and you’re secretly studying me for your psychology major.

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Well that just got awkward pretty quickly…

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Meh, actually, I don’t care why you’re following me. Just keep doing it. It’s making me feel super duper famous. Except not really. I am aware that 100 million people watch the latest videos about kittens falling asleep or someone getting kicked in the face and I only have 100 followers but so what?! You guys are amazing.

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hehehe it’s so funny because it’s a kitten. And kittens make everything better. If Nixon were a kitten, well then, I think everyone would have forgiven him for the whole Watergate debacle pretty damned quickly!

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Don’t cry, Kitten Nixon! We’ll just forget it ever happened. Who’s a good furry President!

 

NEVER LEAVE ME, MY LOVELY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!

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And seriously, you guys fucking read my blog from every goddamn conceivable country known to (wo)man. I had readers from 7 countries today alone! That to me is pretty impressive. It’s probably because I wrote a post about Bob Hoskins so my page got linked from Google or some shit but I maintain it’s because this blog is top quality writing. TOP QUALITY, I SAY!

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Now this top quality bitch has to sleep, because she has work in the morning. Except maybe I’ll get a snack first because it’s midnight, and I sort of feel as if it’s the appropriate thing to do. Or maybe get a Ouija board and summon some demons…or not. Maybe not. I’m not going to do that.

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I love you all, you random sons (and daughters) of bitches. I hope that I continue to write stuff that you enjoy reading or else my entire existence will have been a waste.

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youre-awesome

Thanks again!

yay

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Goodbye Bob Hoskins…

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That’s all there is to say.

Let’s take a two minute silence to appreciate how fantastic he is and how much we will all miss him.

In the meantime, here are some GIFs to remember him by:

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Goodbye Bob Hoskins. I’m sad to see you go (even though you technically retired in 2012 when you were diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease). It’s still a blow, it’s still a blow.

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